Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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