not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
