i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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