so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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