Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
