i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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