guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
