"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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