i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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