At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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