so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
whose parrot is this?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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