my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
