It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
