just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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