I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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