Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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