I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize