Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
