Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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