3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
