just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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