Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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