Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
