shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
