I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
