Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
