I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
