okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
