I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
