I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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