At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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