Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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