ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
