I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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