I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Your shirt... Was in my pants
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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