She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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