You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
