Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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