i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Randomize
