whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
