I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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