Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
