I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
