I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
