I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
