Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I licked your asshole in confidence.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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