Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
