YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I checked into jail on foursquare
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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