Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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