It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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