ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
