sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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