I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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