its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
