I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
