Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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