Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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