Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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