that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
