she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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