ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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