i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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