I just threw up on my dentist
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
