My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
